


Learner's Permits

by Lasafara



Series: Holiday Hooligan [6]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Relapsing, alcohol recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-05-16 08:45:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14808086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lasafara/pseuds/Lasafara
Summary: The twins are finally old enough to drive, and they can't wait to get out on the road. Dean has a harder time with it. It's never easy to watch children grow up, but Dean can't help but fear that history might repeat itself.





	Learner's Permits

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this was written in response to a comment from hhop asking for some angst in this universe. I'm not actually sure this installation manages to be very angsty, though. I tried?

“Come on Daddy! I’ve had my learner’s permit for _ages_ now! It’s time I learned!” Ben whined, leaning against the Impala’s driver door. Dean rolled his eyes.

“You’re just a kid, boy. No way I’m handing you the keys to Baby,” Dean growled.

“Then you could hand them to me,” Emma said sweetly. “I’m _far_ more careful than Ben is.”

“Like hell!” Ben said before Dean could reply. “You’re the one who crashed your bike into the Impala three times!”

“I was 7! That’s been years and years ago. _You_ can’t even climb the stairs without tripping!” Emma shouted back.

“It’s not my fault my legs are so damn long!” Ben replied.

“ _ **Enough**_!” Dean yelled. Both teenagers jumped and stared at their father wide-eyed. “No one is driving Baby but me. You got that?”

“What about Papa? Or Dad?” Ben asked quietly. 

“ _ **No one**_! Get in the damn car!”

The teens scrambled into the car in near silence, a miracle of modern science if Dean had ever seen one, and Dean got them to school. The drive was made in near silence, Dean cranking up his favorite Zep tape so loudly that no one could even attempt conversation. 

*****

After work, Dean pulled into the garage and sighed. The garage was still Baby’s home, though the van shared her space. Benny’s truck was parked on the street. Cas’s bike was tucked away in the back of the garage, currently set away in storage until summer. 

Dean had been putting off teaching the twins to drive for a year now. Benny and Cas had been suggesting for months now that one of them should begin taking the twins out to drive. Dean had agreed, but later. So much later. His babies were too little to drive yet. He couldn’t stand to think of them as so old. He couldn’t…

He’d grabbed a case of beer on the way home. Dean had been sober for well over a decade now, so he figured he was safe with one case. It’d last for ages, and frankly he needed a beer right now. It was just to take the edge off, after all. He flopped onto the couch with his case, ignoring the looks his teens gave him and turning on the TV. 

Dean could not remember the last time he’d been this tense and anxious. With Benny working late and Cas helping out with a field trip for 9 year old Claire, Dean and the twins were on their own for the night. He’d get dinner started in an hour, but for now he needed to relax. 

Three hours and six beers later, Dean was well and truly drunk. He was vaguely aware that Ben and Emma were in the house, and that they’d tried a couple of times to talk to him, but he’d not been in the mood to deal with them. He knew at one point he’d thrown his wallet at Ben, who _wouldn’t shut up_ about being hungry. God damn kids. He’d been cooking and cleaning before he’d hit double digits; they could figure out food for one fucking evening. 

He’d had three more beers and was working on another before Cas came home. He heard the front door open, and vaguely recognized that there was some quiet urgent whispering going on, before Claire and the twins went upstairs to their bedrooms. Dean grumbled under his breath, daughter doesn’t even want to say hello to her Daddy, does she.

Dean blinked, and then Cas’s face was in front of him, full of concern. “Honey?” Cas asked. “What’s going on? You haven’t been like this in years, since before I met you.”

“Guess I’m just returning to my roots,” Dean growled. “Didn’t you know? I was always destined to become a drunken no-good asshole. Just took me a bit to get there.”

Cas sighed. “That’s not true, Dean. You are a wonderful husband and caring father. But what happened today? That can’t happen again. You scared Ben and Emma. You’re scaring me.”

“Oh really? I’m scary now? Seriously? Fuck off, Cas,” Dean said. 

“All right. Well, I’ve called Benny, and he’s on his way home. I’m going to go get the children in bed,” Cas said. “I’d appreciate it if you stayed down here. The children don’t need to see you like this.”

“The children should know what real life is like!” Dean screamed, flinging his now-empty can in Cas’s general direction. It didn’t even come close enough for Cas to need to dodge it, but Cas’s face hardened. 

“Stay. Here. Or you will be looking for a hotel room tonight. Am I understood?” Cas asked.

“Sure sure, whatever,” Dean slurred, reaching for another beer. Cas grabbed what was left of the case and held it out of Dean’s reach. “Hey!”

“You’re done. I will check on you after I help the children. If you follow me upstairs, you will regret it,” Cas said, and Dean shrank back slightly. With a nod, he flopped sideways onto the couch, turning his attention back to the television. Cas watched him for a moment, but Dean was already focused on the show, and after a moment Cas left the room, taking the beer with him.

*****

Cas took the alcohol upstairs with him, shoving it into the linen closet for now. He knew Dean’s history, know the man had a problem with alcohol, and he knew that the linen closet would not be a safe place to keep the alcohol permanently. He’d need to eventually pour it all out and throw out the cans. 

But his first priority was the children. The twins didn’t remember their father when he was like this, and Claire had come along long after his recovery. Cas and Benny had known that Dean was struggling with something recently, but they’d managed to keep it away from the children up until now. The fact that Dean had lost his temper this morning was bad enough, but to come home and get drunk meant that whatever was going on was very very bad. 

All three children were gathered in Claire’s room, quietly whispering with each other. Cas took a deep breath and walked in.

“Hello. How are you doing?” Cas asked

Ben shared a look with his sisters and then squared his shoulders. Cas hated to see him like this. A sixteen-year-old shouldn’t feel so responsible. “Dad, what’s wrong with Daddy?”

“Your father is struggling with something right now,” Cas said. “None of it is your fault, though I know that may not be how it feels right now. Dean loves you very much.”

“But he threw things at me,” Ben said, staring down at his hands.

“And didn’t get us dinner,” Emma said.

“Is he gonna yell at me, too?” Claire asked.

“I know he did those things. And if things don’t change very quickly, Daddy may have to temporarily move out,” Cas said, holding up his hand to forestall the children’s protests. “If that happens, it is still not your fault. Sometimes grownups make mistakes, and sometimes we get sick. Daddy loves you very much, but that doesn’t make what he’s doing okay. So Dean may have to get help, and we will support him through it. But that doesn’t mean treating this behavior like it’s acceptable. Do you understand?”

The kids nodded hesitantly.

“Very well. Papa and I will be here for anything you need. I can’t promise that we will tell you everything. Some things may be too private,” Cas began.

“But that’s not fair!” Claire cried. “I want to know everything! I’m old enough!”

Cas shook his head, “It’s not a matter of age, Claire. Remember when we first told you that you were adopted? You wanted us to keep it a secret for a while so you could process it.”

“Well…yeah. It was… big,” Claire said.

“Right. And just like you needed space, Daddy might too. So we’ll give Daddy that space if he needs it,” Cas said. “But Papa and I will answer questions as honestly as we can, and you may come to us anytime with concerns.”

“Can we have a hug?” Emma asked.

“Of course,” Cas replied, opening his arms. All three children fell against him. “Daddy, Papa, and I all love you. We’re Winchesters, and we’ll get through this, okay?”

The kids chorused affirmatives, but Cas could hear the tears in their voices and feel the tremor in their limbs. One day of Dean like this had already affected them so much…

*****

Benny was supposed to be at work for another two hours, but he managed to sweet-talk the owner into letting him go early. Losing the head chef for a family emergency wasn’t the best, but dinner rush was nearly over, the sous chef was capable, and Benny was a reliable and well-liked employee. The owner had only asked Benny to give him as much notice as possible if he needed more time off.

When he got home, he found Dean right where Cas had said he would be. It looked like Cas had managed to get the beer away from Dean, though no one had cleared away the empty cans. Dean was growling under his breath, punching the back of the couch angrily.

“ _Cher_ , the furniture ain’t done nothin’ to you,” Benny said, sitting down next to Dean.

“Yeah? Ya thin’ so?” Dean slurred, turning his glare to Benny’s general direction.

With a sigh, Benny reached over and put his hand over Dean’s arm. Dean paused in his punching, staring down at Benny’s arm like he wasn’t quite sure how it had gotten there. Encouraged, Benny shifted again, moving slowly until his arms were around Dean, pulling the other man against his chest. Dean struggled briefly as he realized what was happening, but the alcohol dulled his movements, and Benny had no problem manhandling Dean where he wanted him.

Once Dean was curled up on Benny’s lap, Benny leaned back, petting Dean’s hair. After a moment, Dean began to cry, drunkenly, forlornly, like a child, sobbing so hard it broke Benny’s heart. Benny could hear that Dean was trying to say something, but the alcohol and the sobs prevented Benny from being able to understand him. Benny didn’t try too hard. He focused on holding Dean, doing his best to keep him safe and warm and protected.

“Oh Dean,” Benny said softly. “You’re gonna be okay, love.”

*****

Cas finished getting the children into their beds. He had been able to hear noises from downstairs, but he knew that the best thing he could do for Dean right now was to make sure the children felt safe and secure and were well out of the way. Once they were asleep though, Cas snuck downstairs to go see how Benny and Dean were doing. 

Part of him was absolutely furious with Dean. Cas’s family had never been drunkards, but nevertheless Cas knew intimately what it felt like to have a parent suddenly turn on him. He had never wanted his children to know that feeling, and it physically hurt him that the children were now afraid of the man he loved. 

But as angry as he was, he was equally concerned. Dean had had low points before. The difference had always been that Dean had always talked to one of them before. When things had gotten bad, Dean had been able to recognize it in himself before they’d affected the kids. Cas and Benny also had their demons, and over the years they’d struggled with all of them. The fact that whatever was happening with Dean was so overwhelming and upsetting to him that he hadn’t been willing to talk to the others before now was extremely distressing to Cas. He loved Dean with all his heart, and he wanted the best for him.

Looking into the living room, he found Benny holding a quietly sobbing Dean, and Cas’s heart broke. Catching Benny’s eye, Cas cocked his head towards Dean, sending silent questions. Benny glanced towards the ceiling, and Cas nodded with a shrug. The children were as alright as they could be, for now. Jerking his head, Benny gestured that it was okay for Cas to approach. With a deep breath, Cas walked into the room, around to where Benny and Dean sat huddled together.

“ _Cher_ , Cas is worried about you too. Can he join us?” Benny asked as Cas sat down next to them.

Dean mumbled something, and Benny nodded to Cas, who wrapped himself around the other two men. Dean shifted one hand from its place against Benny to instead grip Cas. Slowly, his body relaxed, and Dean fell asleep. Benny sighed.

“Haven’t seen things this bad since I met’m. He give you any clues about what brought this on?” Benny asked softly, petting Dean’s hair while he talked to Cas. 

“None. Ben says he got mad when the twins asked if one of them could drive this morning. Then he forgot to pick them up from school, and when they got home, he was… well,” Cas trailed off. 

“...how’d they get home?” Benny asked.

“Ms. Kline, our neighbor? Her son Jack is a year younger than the twins and follows them around like a lost puppy. Apparently he refused to get into his mom’s car until they agreed to a ride,” Cas said. “You remember her, she moved here a couple of years ago to get away from her ex-husband.”

“Ah, yeah. We’re gonna need to make her and her son some fried rice fritters. Think she’d be willing to carpool them for a few weeks? We can rearrange schedules, but I ain’t sure we wanna leave Dean alone for a while,” Benny said.

“I can ask. Jack will be thrilled, I’m sure. I’ll call Dean’s office. I know he has some sick leave, and we can postpone this summer’s vacation if need be,” Cas said thoughtfully. “We should also get the children a prepaid Visa card.”

Benny’s eyebrows shot up, “What the hell for?”

“How else do you propose to make sure they get fed in the evening? Dean threw his wallet at Ben this evening, and I don’t want a repeat of that,” Cas said.

“Ha… A’ight, well. Miss Elizabeth said I could take some time off, so I’ll call her tonight and take the next couple of days. I can make up a bunch’a casseroles, shove them in the freezer for when we ain’t home. The kids know how to use the oven well enough,” Benny said. “If we can get out of Dean what’s going on, we may be able to deal with this ourselves.”

“If we can’t?” Cas asked.

“Hate to say it, but…” Benny looked down at Dean, softly snoring between them. “We gotta think of the kids first. If we can’t get this under control in the next couple of days, we may have to look into rehab centers. Dean’s gonna hate himself enough as it is; if he actually hurts them… He’ll thank us later, when he’s better.”

Cas nodded. “I don’t… I would rather not send him away. I’m afraid he’ll think we’re abandoning him.”

“Can’t be helped. We’ll do what we can. For now, the kids are okay. Dean is asleep, and frankly I think leaving him on the couch is gonna be a better idea than dragging him up the stairs,” Benny said. “What happened to the rest of the alcohol? Did he drink it all?”

“It’s upstairs. I didn’t want to leave him with it,” Cas replied.

“A’ight. If you’ll dump the rest of that, I’ll arrange Dean so he makes it through to morning and clean up in here. Then you can call his office, and I’ll call Miss Elizabeth. Can you get the kids to school tomorrow? We can speak to Miss Kelly tomorrow morning,” Benny said.

With a nod and a sigh, Cas stood up carefully, pulling himself from Dean’s grip. Dean whined, but didn’t wake up. Cas got the beer, taking it to the master bathroom and opening the remainder of the cans, dumping each one down the sink and then rinsing out the cans and the sink. He put all the cans back into the cardboard container they’d come in, and took them downstairs again. Benny had gathered the cans in the living room, so Cas grabbed those as well, taking them out to the garage and crushing them before putting them into the recycling bin. 

Back inside, he spotted Benny on his phone, talking quietly to his boss. Dean was laying on the couch on his side, covered by a blanket. Benny had placed a bucket near his head, and a glass of water and some pain killers on the coffee table. Cas grabbed his own phone, calling Dean’s office. There wasn’t anyone there, of course, but Cas was able to leave a message on Dean’s supervisor’s phone, letting them know that Dean had fallen ill and would be out for a couple of days. That should get them through to the weekend, which should give them enough time to decide long-term plans. 

Once both men were off the phone, Cas went to Benny, wrapping his arms around the other man. Despite technically being the shortest of the three, Benny was the broadest, and somehow always seemed to be able to make himself larger, letting Cas bury his face into his chest. 

“It’s gonna be okay, angel. Dean’s been through this before, and this time he has all of us to support him,” Benny said soothingly. 

“What if we’re not enough?” Cas asked.

“It’s just a relapse, my heart. It’s a bad one, no doubt, but he’ll come out of it,” Benny replied, rubbing Cas’s back. “It may take a while, but he’ll come back to us. He loves us and the kids too much not to. You know that boy’s heart is too big for his chest.”

Cas nodded. Eventually, the two men made their way to bed. It felt too large, felt wrong with only two men in the bed instead of three. Even though it made no sense, Cas couldn’t help feeling chilled in a way he never felt when he was on one side of the other two men. But Benny wrapped himself around Cas, and they fell asleep, taking comfort in the other’s presence.

*****

Dean groaned the next morning, his head pounding. It was a familiar feeling, but he couldn’t quite place it. Sitting up, he was surprised to find himself on the couch instead of in bed with his husbands. Looking around, he spotted a glass of water and some pills, with a note in Cas’s hand that identified them as ibuprofen and ordered him to take them. Smacking his lips, he took a drink of the water, washing the cotton-mouth feeling away, and then took the pain meds, chugging the rest of the water with them. 

He sat there for a moment, waiting for the painkillers to kick in. Once he was sure he could focus, Dean stood up, heading groggily into the kitchen for a cup of coffee. The machine was still warm and half-full, with an empty cup and a note in Benny’s handwriting next to it.

_Cher, when you find this, if I’m not around, you get yourself some coffee and come outside. I’ll be out doing some yardwork.  
\--B_

Dean grabbed the cup and poured himself some coffee, drinking it quickly. After his third cup, he sighed, staring at the empty pot. He shut off the machine, and grabbed a cup of water, feeling a little more human but still thirsty. Taking that out back, he followed the sound of rustling and clipping to find Benny trimming back the hedges. 

The other man wore a pair of old jeans, the kind that could only be gotten away with on laundry day or for dirty jobs like this. They were thin, with holes around the back pockets that threatened to give completely with the wrong twist. Dean was fairly sure they also had holes all through the crotch, and he knew the knees were gone too. The knees had been patched, but the backside had not, since by the time that had began to give the pants had been relegated to the work-clothes pile. Benny had grown up poor, even more so than Dean, and refused to throw clothing away until it literally fell off of his body.

Cas and Dean had, at least, convinced him that he didn’t need to wear that kind of clothing in public, and they’d all agreed that the children never had patched or holey clothing. Benny functioned on a somewhat subconscious belief that he had to go without to provide for his partners and children, and Dean and Cas had never quite broken him of that. With three incomes, as well as child support from Lisa and Victor, they actually lived quite well. The vehicles had been paid off for years, and the house would be paid off before the twins finished high school. College was looming, but Ben had already decided to go to trade school to be a mechanic, and besides, Dean, Cas, and Benny had been squirreling away money into college funds for years, with help from Lisa and Dean’s extended family. They were, overall, very lucky.

But Benny still had his quirks, and frankly Dean didn’t mind this one. The chance to see his husband, shirtless, dripping in sweat, wearing jeans that could, with very little effort, fall right off, was more than satisfying. He grinned as he stood back, watching. It didn’t take long for Benny to feel eyes on his back though, and turn to Dean. He didn’t smile back at Dean though, and Dean shrank back, trying to figure out what he’d done. It must be the weekend, for Benny to be doing yardwork…?

“Babe?” Dean asked.

Benny sighed. “Come on, _cher_. Let’s go inside. We need to talk.”

*****

By the time they’d gotten back inside, Dean had remembered what day it was, and the hell that had been yesterday. Or at least most of it. After a few cans, things got fuzzy, and not long after that his memory shorted out completely. He knew it wasn’t good, though. It was really, really, really not good. 

He realized how truly bad it was when Benny led him to the kitchen table and sat down across from him, instead of leading him to the couch. It’d been years since he’d been in AA, but he knew that talks at a table meant Serious Shit, while talks on the couch were generally reserved for check-ins and near-relapses, the kind of minor mishap that didn’t hurt anyone but Dean. So Dean sat there, and he stared at his hands resting on the table, and he tried hard to stop shaking. What had he done last night?

Dean startled when Benny reached across the table and took ahold of Dean’s hands. “Calm down, _cher_. Nothing you did is unfixable. But we do need to talk about it, a’ight?”

“Alright,” Dean agreed. “What… what did I do?”

Taking a deep breath, Benny calmly walked him through what the twins had told the men of the evening before, as well as what had happened with Cas, and with Benny. By the time he’d finished, Dean was shaking his head gently, crying near-silently. It was something he’d learned to do as a child, so as to not upset his drunken father, and somewhere deep inside, Dean found it ironic that it still held true when _he_ was the drunken father now.

Benny held his hands throughout the conversation. When Dean finally stopped crying, Benny let go with one hand to brush the tears from Dean’s cheeks. “Ya all right, now?”

Dean shook his head, but sighed. Benny smiled gently and nodded. “You owe the kids some pretty big apologies, but that can come later. For now, you know what’s gotta happen.”

“We’ve gotta talk,” Dean replied. “About what happened.”

“Right. So, _cher_ , what happened? Cas and I got no warning that things were this bad. Why couldn’t you come to us?” Benny asked. His voice had a tinge of desperation to it that broke Dean’s heart. 

“I… I didn’t realize myself, I guess,” Dean admitted. 

“A’ight, but you had a lotta chances to stop. If nothing else, you didn’t have to buy the beer. We haven’t had alcohol in the house fer years. Why didn’t ya call me?” Benny asked again. 

Dean looked down at his hands, still held by Benny’s. “I didn’t know how to ask…” he said quietly, just above a whisper. He knew Benny would still hear him.

“Are we back at that, babe? I… _We_. We can’t help you if you don’t tell us you need us,” Benny said with a sigh.

“Are you… You should probably send me away…” Dean’s voice was tiny, and the tears were starting again.

“Dean, love, while we ain’t taking professional help off the list of possibilities, y’ain’t just ‘being sent away.’ So stop that talk,” Benny forced Dean to look up at him, and Dean nodded. “Now, the big thing we need to know, more’n anything else, what triggered this. Cas and I want to help, but we gotta know how.”

For a long moment, Dean was silent, but Benny was patient, and finally the silence got to him. “I don’t want the kids to drive. I don’t want to teach them, and I sure as shit don’t want either of you to teach them. Not on the Impala, but not… Not on any vehicle.”

“Y’got a reason for that, _cher_?” Benny asked, squeezing Dean’s hands. Dean was grateful that Benny didn’t point out that the twins needed to learn to drive, or that all kids grew up and eventually gained their freedom, or even that Dean wouldn’t want them to be kids forever. All that was true, but… 

Dean shrugged. “...dunno.”

Benny raised his eyebrow, and Dean shrank back. He honestly wasn’t quite sure. He had some ideas, but he wasn’t ready to dive into them yet. He’d spent most of his workday yesterday attempting to circle his way around those ideas, and it’d resulted in buying a case. When he continued to avoid Benny’s gaze, Benny sighed. 

“A’ight, well. Here’s the thing. If you really don’t know why this happened, then we’re gonna need to look into professional help. We’re willing to work with ya, _cher_ , but if we’re gonna have to worry about you havin’ another episode around the kids, then you can’t be here when you’re workin’ through this,” Benny said. 

Dean nodded, beginning to pull his hands away from Benny’s. “I’ll pack my things. I can… It’s not even lunchtime, I can be gone before the kids come home.”

“No, you won’t,” Benny said firmly, gripping Dean’s hands tighter and refusing to let them go. “I told you, we’re here to help you. Neither of us is going to let you just walk out of here without a plan.”

“But I--”

“Ya done fucked up, boy, but I was telling the truth when I said nothing you’d done was unfixable,” Benny said. “Now, Cas and I haven’t been just sitting on our hands for this, Dean. We got options.”

“Options?” Dean asked.

Benny sighed. “ _Cher_ , we love you. The kids love you. We’re not gonna let you go so easy, y’hear me?”

Dean nodded when Benny shook his hands emphatically. 

“A’ight then. Bobby and Karen are right down the street, and have already said they would be more than happy to take you in for a time,” Benny said. “But, I’m gonna be real honest with you, _cher_ , we’d rather have you here. Bed’s awful big for two people.”

“That’s a goddamn lie and you know it,” Dean said with a snort, then looked away guiltily. 

“That’s the spirit,” Benny said. “Relapses happen. It’s a shit world, Dean, and it happens. So here’s what we’d like to happen. Cas called you off work til Monday, and he and I are working out our schedules so one of us is here all the time. We’ll work out something for the kids for the weekend. So we’ll have four days to figure this out, a’ight?”

“The kids shouldn’t have--” Dean started.

“Maybe not, but family don’t leave family, and the kids want to help too,” Benny said. “We’re gonna go over options, some where you stay here, some where you stay with Bobby, and a couple of in-patient programs. We’re all gonna get through this, okay?”

Dean nodded. He wasn’t sure he fully believed Benny, but it was hard to argue with the man. Louisiana Stubborn was built into the Cajun’s very bones. Standing up, Benny led Dean into the living room, where he settled them both into the couch, curled up together. Dean hid in Benny’s arms, ignoring everything but the sound of Benny’s heartbeat. 

*****

Benny had been able to hear Dean’s stomach for a while, but he’d been Dean’s sponsor before he’d been his partner, or even his friend. Benny knew that if Dean had even the slightest opportunity, he would castigate himself over this, and that what Dean needed right now, more than anything, was comfort.

But it finally reached a point where the growl was too loud, and Benny knew he needed to make sure his love got some food. Dean moaned as Benny prodded him into action, and Benny looked him over. Dean had thrown up overnight, though Benny had cleaned that up before he’d gotten up. Still, Dean was rumpled and groggy, his face streaked with tears and his breath rank. Wrapping his arm around Dean’s waist, Benny decided food could wait just a little longer.

“Come on, _cher_ ,” Benny said, leading Dean up the stairs. Dean went quietly, not arguing. Benny knew, then, that Dean wasn’t doing very well. Dean couldn’t shut up most days if his life depended on it. Quiet Dean was not good.

Benny took charge, pulling Dean into the master bathroom and stripping them both down. One of the things the men had splurged on, shortly after purchasing the house, was their master bathroom. Cas had not been terribly interested in communal showers, but both Dean and Benny liked the idea, and even two grown men did not easily fit into most showers. Benny had balked a little when they’d been quoted a price, but Cas and Dean had talked him around. He hadn’t regretted it. Now, having a large shower that he could easily maneuver his husband into, with a handheld showerhead was nice. Benny stripped them both down, cleaning Dean quickly and efficiently. When done, he helped Dean into some boxers and a bathrobe.

“Feel better?” Benny asked.

Dean nodded. 

“A’ight. Let’s get you something to eat,” Benny said. Dean let him shuffle them both downstairs, where Benny threw together a quick breakfast scramble. Dean ate mechanically, but Benny didn’t rush him. The fact that Dean was eating at all was the most important thing. 

They had a lot of things to work through, but the fact that Dean was still trusting him gave Benny hope. They’d get through this. All of them.

*****

When Cas got home, he walked up to his husband and wrapped his arms around Dean. Cas could feel the tenseness in Dean’s body, but he didn’t let Dean shrink away.

“How can you stand to--” Dean began.

“None of that, Dean,” Cas said. “You had a relapse. You’ve had them before. We’ll work through it just as we have before.”

“But I--” 

“Dean. You deserve to be loved. And we will make it through this,” Cas said. “Do you trust me?”

“More than anything,” Dean replied.

“Then believe me. We will make it through this,” Cas said. 

“The kids--” 

“You do owe Ben and Emma an apology,” Cas interrupted firmly. “But mostly they are worried about you. They know you love them, and that you are sick, and they want to help.”

Dean buried his head back into Cas’s neck. “I don’t want to hurt them.”

“You didn’t,” Cas said. “You won’t.”

Cas knew that Dean did not believe him, but that would come in time.

*****

Ben, Emma, and Claire had been sent over to the Kline’s house for the evening. Jack had been ecstatic, and Ms. Kline had been more than willing to take all three. Cas and Benny had explained that they were dealing with some personal issues, and she had glanced between them and nodded. She had never judged them for having a polyam relationship, something that the men did not advertise but was nevertheless obvious to anyone who spent much time around the children. She had her own history, her own issues, and she could read between the lines. She promised to send the kids home before bedtime, and did not ask any other questions. Ms. Kline knew what it meant when personal issues interfered.

Cas pulled Dean into the living room to curl up onto the couch while Benny dealt with cooking dinner. “Dean, love. Will you tell me what happened?”

Dean looked down. Cas had never seen him like this, and he was afraid that Dean wouldn’t be able to talk to him. But Benny had already tried, and if they were going to find a way to deal with this without sending Dean into an in-patient program, Cas was fairly sure it would be necessary to get Dean talking to one of them. 

“I don’t… I don’t want the kids driving,” Dean said. He did not meet Cas’s gaze, but seemed aware of it anyway, if the squirming were any indication.

“Can you tell me why?” Cas asked.

Dean shook his head. Cas narrowed his eyes, watching Dean until he thought he had an idea. 

“Dean, does this have something to do with your father’s death?” Cas said bluntly. Dean flinched, starting to pull away, but Cas wouldn’t let him. “He was planning to take Adam out to learn to drive, was he not?”

There was no response for a long time. Cas was patient, and Dean never had been able to outlast him. “Yeah,” Dean said. “Adam had just turned 16, when Dad came back. He wanted the keys, and I didn’t… I didn’t realize… There wasn’t much difference between when Dad was drunk and when Dad was sober. I had to work, so I sent Sam with them, to make sure that they were safe. But they… But Sam…”

Cas pulled Dean in tightly. “You know that wasn’t your fault.”

“But if I had just paid more attention, I would have realized that Dad--”

“No, Dean. Your father made his choices. Sam does not blame you. Adam does not blame you,” Cas said. “You can only be responsible for your own actions, Dean. What happened to your brothers, to your father, is not your fault.”

Dean didn’t speak for a long time. Cas held him, rocking him back and forth slightly. Finally, Dean breathed out softly. “I… I think I need help.”

“We can do that,” Cas said, relieved. “We will find you--will find _us_ a therapist. We will work through this together.”

With a nod, Dean finally looked up and leaned close enough to Cas to nearly kiss him, stopping just short. “I trust you, Cas.”

Cas moved to meet Dean’s lips. “Thank you, Dean. Thank you so much.”

*****

It was not easy to find a therapist who was polyam-friendly, but when Dean walked into Pamela’s office, he knew they’d found the right one. She didn’t even blink when all three men introduced themselves as partners. There was no judgement in her eyes, like they’d seen in other therapists. She was not shocked by Dean’s history of alcohol abuse, and unlike one therapist they’d had, she didn’t suggest that Dean’s relapse was caused by the stress of having two partners.

Pamela listened to Dean when he talked, and was able to draw out words when Dean didn’t think he was able to speak anymore. Pamela had sessions with each man individually, and with all three of them together. 

Dean learned that simply going sober was not enough to solve his problems if he did not deal with the underlying issues that caused him to turn to drinking in the first place. There was, unfortunately, a lot to work through. 

The important thing, though, was that Dean was willing to try. He was able to do everything out-patient, which meant that Cas and Benny were able to help support him through the process. And most importantly, Ben, Emma, and Claire were able to see that Dean was not only apologetic, but working through his issues. And when the time came, they all sat down and talked to the children about what had happened. 

*****

“I know I’ve already apologized to you guys, but I… I need to do it again,” Dean said. “I should not have yelled at you, or… or any of the shit I did. And I’m sorry.”

Ben shrugged. “It was an accident, right?”

Dean shook his head. “It was… a mistake, but not an accident. I was drunk. Alcohol messes with your brain. It means you do things that you shouldn’t, cuz you don’t think through them. Does that makes sense?”

Emma nodded. “Like, when Ben gets really angry and yells shit he’s not supposed to, even though he knows better?”

“Hey!” Ben said.

“Language!” Cas said. “But yes. When you get really angry sometimes you say things you don’t mean to. That’s kind of like how alcohol works.”

Claire nodded. “But it’s okay, cuz you’re sorry, right? And you’ve been getting help, so you’re not gonna do it again. So it’s okay.”

Ben and Emma nodded, and Dean choked up a little. He had the best family ever. Dean was the luckiest man in the world.

“Daddy? Are you crying?” Emma asked.

“No baby,” Dean replied. Benny just laughed at him. 

The best family in the world.


End file.
